Thursday, 29 January 2015

Well aware

Assalam, I am well aware that I fell off the bandwagon . you can say whatever. I just dont feel like I belong there . I have developed very negative thoughts about the community I was in . I realize that these might be the syaitons successfully dragging me out of usrah and dakwah but I have to be honest. I was not happy . I told myself for a long time to fake it till I make it. but honestly, I have come to a point where I am really not happy anymore. Dont get me wrong. I loved all the sessions we had. I learnt loads of things that I keep repeating and telling everyone, myself included. It's just some of the people that I resent. I want to be with people I love. And I have to say... I failed to love because of Allah. There are some people in the community, that I just can't seem to love. I just want to be happy. And I am happy now . I think. Although, last week I had an episode of depression attack? I dont know .  i was sad. I couldnt stop crying . Last night, it happened again. Am I far away from God? Is it a punishment? But I just wanna be happy. I wasnt happy. I got out and I feel happy. No boundaries. Im working at my own pace. I didnt felt as pressured to change as I was before when I was in the usrah group. Man that was a lot of pressure. I don't like people bugging me with my personal achievements. I'm not mad at you I'm telling the truth.

This is one whole messed up paragraph. Just like my head it's all messed up.

Goodbye.
Whoever you are. Thanks for reading.

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