Wednesday, 15 June 2016

rant

Taking a little break from studying just to like vent out stuff. study week and final exam periods are the toughest for me. mainly due to being a person who worries too much and constantly need affection har har hardy har har. 

first of all, being the clingy piece of potato that I am, it's hard not being able to talk to Imran. most of the times he won't reply (and i don't mind) because damn my man's in the zone. i guess studying engineering takes massive effort and revision time. otherwise it wouldn't get the title 'toughest course in the world'. but i guess in times like this i appreciate the fact that he took the time to call me that one night. 

again, being clingy with my parents it's also hard not having them around. i have this habit of venting out to mama about an exam right after i get out of the hall. probably because it makes me calm. abah and his motivational / religious conversations also makes me feel lucky like omg this is my dad he's so smart. mama is also very smart they're like frank and claire underwood. i also find it necessary to complain about how fat i am and how bad the scarring on my face is. that also makes me calm. she seems to think im beautiful... but overweight haha. im working on it ma don't worry. 

im anxious and calm at the same time. but i know i gotta do more. everytime i get too calm and confident something bad happens. yesterday was the peak of my stupid anxiety towards exam plus financial issues. last night i couldn't sleep even though i tried so hard to. fell asleep at 6 a.m and i ended waking up around 11 something... my oral exam was at 1pm ._. but thanks to amazing team mates, Eliza and Ross, i was less anxious and more confident than i thought i'd be! 

but amongst this clingyness and anxiety i found dependence to God again. every time i find myself worrying about my parents and family back home, my relationship, my studies, my constant hunger for food (dammit stop eating fatass), i had to remind myself that God owns everything and i can't do no shit to change things that i obviously cannot control even if i want to. the only real comfort is to talk and ask from Him. last night i asked Him to make me thin... lets see how that goes. 

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