Tuesday, 1 November 2016

99 Problems

Hello, 

It's been a long time :) Something happened two days ago and I feel awfully lonely. I mean I have friends around and all but just alone. It's weird. I've always been the alone kind of person. On average I only stay around 2 years at a place while growing up. Primary school 6 years of course. Lower secondary 3 years; upper 2 years; INTEC 2 years; and UQ 2 years... graduating this December but applied for another year for research. So the point is, I've always enjoyed my own company. I don't have a clique. I jump here and there everywhere, my circle of friends are very diverse. Thus, I am not too close too anyone. Lot's of acquaintance, many friends, very little good friends that I'll tell things to. 

For the record I hate having to ask or beg for help. i'm the kinda person who gets stuff done on my own (but i'm okay if ppl ask for my help teehee). Something happened a few days ago and I had to ask help from a lot of people and it sucks because I feel like such a burden. I don't like being a burden. Sometimes I don't realize that I am such a pain in the ass and I'm sorry for that. But I just don't like it when I deliberately have to be people's burden. When I was around asking for help what I hate the most is that they want to help me but the situation won't let them. Like most people have assignments, exam, and things already planned out for the day; and it's not their fault. I feel like the whole universe just turned against me. 

Oh you need help? Why don't I make everyone busy and boom you have no one. 

Sometimes when I'm sad people just ask if I wanna talk. I'm sorry I hope I don't offend you but I'm not the kind of person who talks about real personal problems, I just listen a lot. I console myself. Because I grew up having to console myself, I grew up alone. I didn't need anyone growing up. Just my parents. The loneliness is one thing. 

My empathy coming back is another. When I was in MASCA I lost my empath abilities completely. I had no remorse, no regret, no pity. It was hard for me because I liked having them. Feeling drained wasn't such a pain for me. All I needed was a good sleep. Then one day, they're all just gone. Recently our term ended and I had time. Two days ago I went into the forest, mind you that the forest is a glass spilling with energy and I just dipped myself into it. I came back and boom. Last night I was crying for kids in Syria and people in poverty. All the world was trying to crawl into me. My empathic vision was magnified. I'm glad it came back but boy what a crazy ride. 

So yeah two things going on at the moment. And I still just... have myself. 

Wow how time flies. I'm 21 and getting a degree in about a month. Family's not coming but we're used to that. Abah and Mama raised us right, we don't get bothered by small things. Sometimes sedih jugak they're not coming but not like too sad. My brother and sister graduated alone overseas, there's no reason why I should demand them to come to mine. Imran's not coming because last year he told me he was going back early to Malaysia so das alright too. 

But on top of all this.... all I want right now is nasi kandar mamak sayur bendi ayam merah kuah gulai.

2 comments:

  1. nice entry :) i've followed you btw hee.

    with love, zey.
    - http://thecyclazey.blogspot.my/

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    Replies
    1. Hey Zey, thanks! i'll make sure to check out your blog too

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