Wednesday, 8 February 2017

Mid-life crisis... at 22?!

Hello and good day readers,

I've always considered myself an old soul trapped in a young age with an older-than-my-age face. Being an empath, there's also that old soul feeling deep inside. So it's not odd thing to be having a mid life crisis at the age of 22. 

See I just graduated last year at the age of 21. Several days ago, I've finalised my visa and I'll be heading off to Australia again to do research for my Honours program. But being me, I'm already planning my life after Honours. In a year, where would I be and what would I do? 

I tell people that I'm going with the flow. But what I don't tell people is the intricate planning of directing my flow. See I have more than 3 possibilities of paths that I can follow all set in my head, and I will flow in whatever direction life takes me. However, a planned flow instead of the usual idk what lies ahead of me flow. The big current that I've been planning for years is to migrate, build a life in Australia or where ever. Start a good career. I've always held on to that. 

I love Malaysia, don't get me wrong. But working and having a meaningful career is important to me. If I start in Malaysia, I'll be pushed around by "senior" or older people who thinks I have nothing to contribute. Outside, I'll have space to grow. I am appreciated. The culture is very different in Malaysia and it's depressing. I will not do what makes me unhappy. 

"I'm never coming back except for visits" I've told myself over and over again in the past couple of years. I was confident. 

The few seconds between December 2016 and January 2017, something ticked inside me. I've changed. I got a cat. I read Malay books (me.. reading malay books?! wow). I watched Korean dramas. I got a tad bit nicer. I still hate meleis tho. And for once, there is this heaviness inside. An unexplained feeling that grounds me here at home. In a serene kampung jabi. Although filled with drug users and dealers, this is home. 

My parents aren't getting younger. We tried asking them to live closer like to my siblings. But, you don't just leave after puluh-puluh tahun living here. We're not at the liberty to go home anytime we want either. 

Then I thought. I'm single. I can build a life where ever. I'm young. I can drive 8 - 10 hours home. No problem. I can work nearby, perhaps. I can... not migrate. 

22 and torn between big decisions... what lemons are life giving you right now?

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